a year of learning to love myself and finding flow

“I feel like nobody cares about me,” I sobbed in my room, telling a childhood story of abandonment. As I opened my eyes, six faces on screen held me in their tender, unflinching gaze. A firmer voice in my head spoke up: “That’s not true. Look at these loving people.” At that moment, I discovered what unconditional love felt like.

My journal reads differently this year. Instead of recording events, each page captures nuances of emotions and a deepening journey home to myself. January entries make me cringe — “I’m not satisfied with my journal.” “Can I really catch up?” My words read like an anxious parent who never stops critiquing.

March brought the connection course that changed everything. I experienced what’s like to notice my body’s sensations — tightness in my chest, numbness, cone spinning sensation — rather than getting lost in thought. During the most intense session, I felt myself shutting down and uncovered a surprising belief: “deep down people don’t trust and love each other.” When I listened to my resistance, it spoke: “please don't blame me.” I realized how much I had internalized past criticism into self-blame.

My body became my guide. An April emergency room visit nudged me to seek support and confront my past. In therapy, I discovered the weight I carried from not being heard or trusted. “You knew it’s not your fault,” my therapist said. “Your body knows it.” I learned that the real work wasn’t getting others to trust me; it was learning to trust myself.

In June, I joined the master class with newfound spaciousness after a Vajrayana retreat in Colorado mountains. During anger release, I let out primal screams I never knew I had. My body trembled and went numb, then filled with unexpected lightness. I cried often in my room, feeling waves of both grief and joy. I don’t want to manage or blame myself anymore.

In fall, I tried to follow my enjoyment. I gave myself permission to rest, sought meaningful conversations, and tried new experiences. Fear showed up, but I learned that freedom comes not from overcoming fear, but embracing it. This lesson led me to New York, where a workshop invited me to embody my opposite self. It was hard, but also freeing.

When I came home and learned that I wasn't accepted into a year-long program with the community that had shown me unconditional love, my heart broke. Yet soon I recognized my old patterns showing up. I learned to hold the part that felt abandoned while giving myself the love I needed.

Still, something was missing. I oscillated between aliveness and disconnection until winter, when a speaking class awakened my energy and confidence. I found myself moving from freezing — managing impressions, anticipating criticism, searching for “right” words — to authentic expression. Speaking from my heart gave me vitality. My body became a channel for energy. People told me how connected they felt.

I realized I had twisted enjoyment into self-sabotage again, creating helplessness to avoid love and support. My subconscious tried to protect me through isolation — a childhood survival strategy I no longer needed. I began to see the abundance of care in the people around me.

As I recognize who I am, not who I used to be or who I should be, my path grows clearer. I see myself as a protagonist free to make choices without the need to follow a “right” path, instead of a passive character constrained by circumstances.

Now I want to help others find this authentic self-connection. Three things call me forward in 2025:

• Exploring coaching while deepening my understanding of psychology and human experience

• Building deeper connections as I move to San Francisco, including intimate relationship

• Developing trust through consistent practices in writing, publishing, and speaking

I intend to embody connection, genuineness, and passion. This means choosing to connect with an open heart even when scared, letting my natural enthusiasm guide me, and caring for my body.

Thank you for reading my journey. I'd love to hear about your year and what calls you forward.

With love,
Weichen

Thumbnail photo by British Library on Unsplash